Dear Harrison,
Sometimes it's hard to believe that you grew inside me for 9 months.  When pregnant it felt like I had been pregnant forever.  It felt like I would never hold you in my arms...I would simply stay huge and round with no hope of ever going back to normal.  Then you came....but it was not the birth I had expected. You were here on Earth and technically mine...yet I did not feel like you were mine. I never got the chance to hold you after birth and connect with you. I never got to look you in the eyes and feel the world stop.  For two weeks others told me what I could do and what I could not do with you. It ate me up. I was so mad and so broken. Though I wanted you to be well... it ate at my soul that other's got to decided our life as a family and I had no say.  Somehow we survived those two weeks and you came home.  Still however I did not feel like you were mine.  I loved you. I had always loved you, but I did not feel like you were mine.  I felt even more broken. I was your Mama...yet I felt like you did not know that. You had not preference for me over another adult. You were such a good baby that any adult who would cuddle and love you was acceptable. Since we were unable to nurse... I didn't even have the solo right to feed you. I was the simply the kind lady who tended to your needs alongside others who did the same. I remember rocking you one day and wondering if you would ever understand my pain. You were so peaceful in my arms. You had no worries, no fears and no sorrows. You were so whole, while I was so broken.  I cried as I rocked you that night and prayed hard that you would one day realize I was your Mama. It would have been nice if  you had opened you eyes right at that moment and smiled at me like something from a fairy tale or the movies. But this is really life, not the movies. You slept on and I eventually dried my tears.  I'm not sure at what moment you realized I was your Mama. There was no magical moment or golden hour we connected.... Over time though our two souls found each other. Your sweet soul found my broken one and slowly I began to heal.  I felt more and more like you were mine as the days passed. With each day I felt I knew you more.